First. First of all? Like, out of the gate? This photo is a re-enactment. I am not pooping in this picture.
But sometimes. Sometimes. When you share a bathroom with your four-year-old, sometimes, you poop while there’s a balloon tied to your toilet. A toilet balloon, if you will.
My daughter Amelia got an Easter balloon at some point this weekend. This morning, it was tied to her potty seat that hangs on the side of our toilet. I don’t know why. Did she tie it? If so, good job, Amelia. Daddy is very impressed with how well you tied that balloon.
Did my wife do it? Is this some kind of potty training thing I missed?
The important thing to know for this is that I didn’t untie it.
Look. Okay. Look. Not gonna lie here. It really brightened up the whole vibe of the room so I didn’t untie it.
So I guess… if there’s a point to this post… it’s… try it?
Like. Just once. Tie a balloon to your toilet before you dump out.
It’s not going to change your life, but it really makes a pretty uneventful routine feel like a special occasion.
Okay. But. BUT.
And this is important.
Don’t always tie a balloon to your toilet.
This isn’t a lifestyle. It’s a one-and-done thing to make you feel like a special little doodie king or queen for once.
Alright. Good talk. Go out there and have a really special balloon potty day everyone. You earned it.
Wait.
I just thought of something.
Maybe do this in a public restroom one time?
Like. Go to the party store. Buy a balloon.
Ask if you can use their bathroom.
Tie the balloon to the toilet.
Maybe you use it. Maybe you don’t. That’s entirely your call. The key here is to:
Leave. It. There.
Then live your life knowing you’re responsible for someone having the following story to tell at bars for the rest of their life:
Yo. I was at the party store one time, and I had to make a poopy on the potty like a big big champion. So I go into the bathroom, and you’re not going to believe this… There’s a balloon tied to the toilet. I know! This store goes all out. It really brightened up the whole vibe of the stall. Of course I left it! I felt like a good good doodie king or queen. What? Oh, it said “Congratulations!”
This is important. The balloon should say “Congratulations!”
Amelia’s balloon says “Happy Easter” and that’s fine, but now I am a little worried my toilet is going to overflow in three days.
Editor’s Note: This is the most on-brand thing I have ever written.