My daughter Amelia’s favorite dumb video game is the dumb horse game EverRun on the Apple TV. It’s dumb, but if you’re a four-year-old then it’s apparently incredible. So let’s say 4 out of 5 stars because her opinion carries more weight than mine here. It’s a game for children and not for adults in their mid-thirties unless they’re like super into horses and not so much into game design.
Amelia loves this game. You pick a horse and run while avoiding or jumping over obstacles as you try to collect flower petals. After achieving each goal you unlock a different piece of horse armor that doesn’t do anything but Amelia gets really excited about it whenever it happens. While running you can pick up special powers that help you avoid obstacles or collect more petals. Amelia thinks the point of the game is to just get special powers which is frustrating because the real point is to collect flower petals and she’s my little sweetheart so I want her to do well.
You can download a free version which comes with one horse (Crimson), but you can also pay $6.99 to unlock all eight of the stupid horses which I only did because it was Amelia’s birthday and because she’s adorable and because please don’t tell her but I’ll give her anything she wants because she is daddy’s little sweetheart.
The horses have different backstories delivered by the nice sounding British lady who narrates the game, and they also have their own special powers that help you get through the game. Some of the powers are genuinely very helpful but some of them are downright trash, which has led to me having very strong opinions about the dumb horses in this dumb game, so here it is. The definitive ranking of the dumb horses in EverRun.
#8 Thorn
Let’s face it, Thorn. You’re a gutter horse and everyone knows it. You magic power is a speed burst that lets you crash through obstacles, but that makes it harder to steer and collect petals which is the whole point of the game. It’s not a race, idiot.
#7 Oakheart
Oakheart’s power is that he gets a shield that lets him run through obstacles without taking damage. It’s fine. It helps you get a little further in the game. It’s just kind of bland and uninspired as far as magic powers go.
#6 Maple
Maple is a slight improvement over that basic bitch Oakheart because her power sends out shockwaves that clear your path of any obstacles making you virtually unstoppable while your power is engaged, but it doesn’t really help you get petals, which is the whole point of the game, Amelia.
#5 Violet
Very similar to Maple, Violet’s power clears your path with rows of energy that wipes out obstacles and replaces them with petals. It gives your petal count a slight bump, but it’s a little frustrating because it lays out more petals than you can pick up so it seems a little wasteful.
#4 Star Flower
Star Flower made the top half largely due to style points. This David Bowie looking fool is from space, and his power shoots meteors at your obstacles and replaces them with petals. He’d be higher on the list, but I’m genuinely trying to weigh Amelia’s opinions pretty heavily in this ranking and she’s not a big fan for some reason even though Star Flower is the coolest looking horse in the game and he shoots freaking meteors from space.
#3 Crimson
Crimson is your O.G. horse in the free version of the game, and it makes sense why the slightly-better-than-average is the one you use as the sample to get people hooked. Crimson fires dope energy blasts that clear a straight path and obliterate obstacles. It’s slightly less useful than Star Flower’s meteors, but looks and feels cooler and Amelia gets really excited about it.
#2 Rose
Rose can fly, and that’s straight up a dope power for a horse to have. He armor helmet even has wings on it. Rose is Amelia’s favorite horse in the game. While you’re flying you can go over any obstacle, even tall trees, and the petals fly with you. It’s a great power, but it’s only drawback is that while you’re flying hearts that can replenish your energy stay on the ground, so if you’re down to one heart you could find yourself avoiding the special power tokens in hopes of picking one up on the ground.
#1 Lily
Lily is the leader of the Guardians, which is the group name for the horses. It’s not important why. She’s the leader because her power is the best one in the game. When you pick up a special power token all the petals you encounter on the course fly to you as you pass them, so you rack up those petal scores really quickly. If you’re trying to set a high score in the game you’re going to do it with Lily. Not that idiot Thorn.
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Editor’s note: I can’t believe this is almost 1000 words on a dumb horse game. What am I doing with my life?
all images via EverRun