The Definitive Rankings of the Photos in My Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania Hotel Room

Wilkes-Barre Hotel Paintings

A lot has already been written about the paintings in room 345 of the Mohegan Sun Poconos in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. I’ve always enjoyed Jerry Saltz’s extensive writing on the subject, but I’m fortunate enough to be staying in this well known institution while performing in town, so I thought I would lend my inexpert hand.

Though a comedian and writer by profession, I do have a bit of an art background, which began in high school where I thought drawing well would impress girls, particularly my art teacher.

It did not.

In college I majored in Contemporary Arts and took several drawing and painting classes with artist and photographer Warner Wada who said of my work, “You can’t just keep doing cartoons and comic book stuff, Glen. Seriously. I mean it this time.”

Sorry to brag.

Onto the heart of the matter. A definitive ranking of the five printed photos hung in my hotel room right now in ascending order to build as much tension as I can cram into this thing.

5. Garbage Tree

I’ll try to keep my comments on this photo about the art rather than critiquing the tree itself, but like, come on, that’s a total garbage tree. Cool branches, idiot. You’ve got like four. You’re boring. Tell me more about those two pine trees in the background. Grow a leaf, you trash sapling.

4. 8th Grade Sunset

I love that the hotel owner let an eighth grader take a picture of a dumb sunset and hang it up in my hotel room. Cool buds or whatever I guess?

3. Dankest Branch

This one’s not weed, but it looks like it could be weed? I’m not that familiar with #drugs or #danknugz, but this one makes me think of weed. I also like that the glass was extra shiny so I can see my own reflection in this photo I took, because I am a narcissist.

2. Garbage Tree Again?

I know. I’m suspicious of this one too. That sure looks like Garbage Tree from a different angle, but I kind of like this one. Do trees have a good side? Maybe it’s because we can’t see the much better pine trees, or because the trees in the background of this one are obviously even worse than Garbage Tree. (Look at that thick, branchless idiot on the left.)

1. Chill Bird

I dunno. This one’s just a cool chill bird. Look at it. Just standing in the water. Probably looking to snag a little fishy or something. Sure. Birds fly. This bird though, this bird chills out ankle deep in the water listening to chill Jimmy Buffet tunes and trying to catch fish or maybe just take a minute to itself to think some thoughts.

Stay cool, Chill Bird.

(Hey. This post originally appeared on Medium, but I like it and I wrote it and this is my humor site so I would like it to also be here. Go read it over there if you freaking love Medium so much.)